Insecurities
by FantasySci5
Summary: Scott thinks as he tries to sleep, about what he thinks is happening between Jean and Logan, and his insecurities between himself and Jean’s relationship. Song ficScottJean with slight mentions of JeanLogan.
1. Who Is She With?

_Insecurities_

Hello. Fantasysci5 here. This is my very first X Men fan fiction, though don't worry, you are in very capable hands, for I've written many other fan fictions about other things. I love playing around with emotions, insecurities, and angst. I hope you like this. It's a song fic

Okay, before you start to read, I think I should warn you that this is a song fic! Dodges a rotten apple It's not so bad, honest! The song is Martina McBride's song, "Where Would You Be".

SUMMARY: Scott thinks as he tries to sleep, about what he thinks is happening between Jean and Logan, and his insecurities between himself and Jean's relationship. He thinks she may want to be with someone else...(Logan). Song fic-Scott/Jean (with slight mentions of Jean/Logan).

DISCLAIMER: Grrr! I don't own X Men! Darn! Some other people that I don't know do, but not me. I just want to play around with Scott, but I promise, I won't let him blow up anything. I wish I owned Scott though... drool

I also do not own the song lyrics to 'Where Would You Be'. The song and the words belong to Martina McBride, and not me.

UNIVERSE: In the second movie, but slightly AU, as I added a few details that were never there.

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He stared at her through his shield of red, watching as her chest rose up and down as she slept. Moonlight filtered in through the window, and sprinkled on the two bodies on the bed. Watching her, Scott thought about what had happened this afternoon.

_"I wonder where your heart is, 'cause it sure don't feel like it's here. Sometimes I think you wish, that I would just disappear. Have I got it all wrong? Have you felt this way long? Are you already gone?"_

When she had walked in to go to sleep, she had been distant. He had asked her something, and she had shrugged it off, not really listening. She had immediately tucked herself in, and was asleep before he hit the bed a few seconds later. It wasn't like she had a tiring day. They hadn't really done anything, since it was on Sunday, only sat around and relaxed. They had gone to bed early, since tomorrow was a school day, and she had only said a few words to him today. He had tried to start a conversation many times, but she had just ignored him.

This afternoon, Logan had come back to the school. Scott had watched in the shadows above the stairs, as Jean had welcomed Logan back. He had seen the real hundred watt smile she had given him as he hugged her ever so gently. He had seen the way Logan had leaned in to her as they talked, and how her hand had rested on his upper arm. He burned with Jealousy, careful to hide it from Jean. He had learned a long time ago, that if he wanted to hide his thoughts and emotions from her, all he had to do was concentrate. Not that he ever wanted to. He was sure that something was going on between the two. A few days ago, when Scott and Jean had been cuddling, he swore he had heard her almost say Logan's name. The way she looked at Logan, the way she seemed to light up every time he was in the room, and how she would have the flirting nature she used to have with himself, alerted him to something. He just wasn't sure what.

He blinked, not letting sleep and dreams overcome him. In the day, he was calm and stiff. He didn't let on that he thought that something was up. During the night, though, his insecurities ran free.

_"Do you feel lonely, when you're here by my side? Does the sound of freedom, echo in your mind? Do you wish you were by yourself, or that I was someone else? Anyone else."_

Her red hair was splayed out on the pillow, her face pointed toward the ceiling, as if she wanted to float away like a phoenix, out of this room. Scott sighed again. That was what he was afraid of.

Every time he tried to fall asleep, he would always dream of Jean leaving him, breaking off the engagement and relationship in one fowl swoop. He was afraid she was bored with him, and was drifting off to his opposite; Logan. Her eyes darted back and forth under her eyelids, and Scott wondered if she was dreaming that it was Logan and his stupid curled up hair laying beside her, and not him.

Scott ran a shaking hand through his chocolate brown hair, as he let his bitter and scared thoughts run freely, taking over his whole mind and thoughts.

_"Where would you be, if you weren't here with me? Where would you go, if you were single and free? Who would you love, would it be me? Where would you be?"_

Scott wondered if he was to keel over and die in battle, would she morn for him? Or would she hop into bed with Logan the night he died? He wondered if after awhile, she would miss him, and see that Logan is not as nice and loving, and everything she wants, like Scott was.

She looked so peaceful in sleep, like it was her only way to escape this life that had became a prison.

_"I don't wanna hold you back. No, I don't wanna slow you down. I don't wanna make you feel, like you are tied up and bound. 'Cause that's not what love's about. If there's no chance we can work it out, tell me now. Oh, tell me tell me now."_

Hot tears prickled in his eyes, then after awhile, he let them go free, like he wanted her to be. Tears splashed down under the shades, and ran tracks down his pale cheeks. He loved her, with the whole of his aching heart, and couldn't stand to see her unhappy. If she truly was unhappy, he would let her go. Of the price of his sadness and pain, he would give it all up to see that she was happy. If that meant she had to be with Logan to feel whole and complete, then so be it. Scott would continue to sludge through life, cursing life that had taken his love away, and given him all of the bad turns during life. But he would be happy if that meant she was happy, and at least he had gotten to love her, which was the best gift of all.

_"Have I become the enemy? Is it hard to be yourself in my company?"_

He cried freely now, not bottling it up inside, as all of his emotions broke loose. His love for her, his hatred for Logan, the sadness of the lost relationship, his confusion of what was happening, the hopelessness of the situation he found himself in. He wondered if she was not acting like herself while she was around him. He hated himself if he was the reason she was not perfectly happy with herself.

Not known to him, Jean had woken up as she sensed his strong feelings, and was now in on what was bothering Scott. She sat up in bed, and reached out her hand for his shoulder. They looked into each other's eyes as the emotions were sorted out. Jean relayed via her strong mind link with him, all of her love for him. "I love you, and no one else. No one and nothing can get in-between us, and I will never stop loving you." Jean said, her words choking up in her throat as she reassured her fiancé. Scott knew then that Logan never did and never will get in the way of true love, and he had no competition, for he had already won.

_"Where would you be, if you weren't here with me? Where would you go, if you were single and free? Who would you love, would it be me? Where would you be?"_

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Thanks for reading, and I hope you feel you heart swell up for Scott (Who I love ). Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Tell me you love it, tell me you hate it (with reason, please) tell me you at least read it. I live for feedback. It makes me write more stories about, in this case, X Men, and makes me feel like I have friends out there! Thank you!

This is a story to say sorry to Jean. I love Scott, and my other fan fics about X Men usually bash Jean and Logan. I'm not apologizing to Logan, cause I really do hate him. Trying to steal Jean from Scott:/

But usually Jean is nice, and Scott does love her, so this is to make it up to her from all of the Jean bashing in my other two stories! (Haven't gotten to them yet, and if reviews are nice, I will!)


	2. Where Ever She is Now

_Insecurities-Part 2_

Okay, the first chapter was gonna be a one-shot, but I have an idea, and it runs along the same lines. Major Scott angst and pity. Big and Rich's song, "I Pray for You" does not belong to me. By the way, those guys rock!

This is after the 2nd X-Men movie, so Jean is gone, but before the new X-Men! Which, by the way I just saw. I want to say something about it, but since it REALLY spoils it, I will tell you at the bottom of this chapter!

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Scott saw her standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down into the watery abyss way below. Her red strands of hair tickled across her pale face, as her green dress gently swayed in the whistling wind. Suddenly, it seemed she sensed him, for she turned around to face him. He slowly walked over to her, picking up speed as he got near, as if she would disappear any minute. Her slender hand reached out, lightly touching his cheek. She leaned forward slightly, and gave him a feather-light kiss on his lips. Just as it registered in his mind, she had already pulled back, lowering her arm and taking a small step back. Her back was to the edge, as she stared at him with her huge eyes. There was a sadness in them, along with a hint of freedom relief. She gave him a sad smile, as her hair rushed past her. Her voice echoed through the whole serene landscape, and rang in his ears, as her crystal vocals whispered his name, "Scott." Then, with a scary calmness, she gracefully leaned back, and fell into darkness.

Scott awoke, sweat drenching his t-shirt. He ran a shaky hand through his chocolate hair as he tried to pull himself together, with misty eyes. When everything came back, his shoulders shook with unshed tears. His mind was a flurry of emotions buried, as reality hit him hard.

_"Sometimes when I sleep, I can see you walkin' back to me. Sometimes I wake up, 'cause I swear I felt your touch. Then emotions overcome me, and the darkness is so cold."_

After a few minutes, Scott collected himself, his mind telling his heart that he was the fearless leader, Cyclops. He sighed, knowing that he would not get back to sleep tonight. Nightmares had plagued his dreams at night, and hallucinations during the day, leaving him a tired mess. Since THE day, he couldn't be the stiff, organized person everyone expected him to be.

He had not been to church since he was a little boy with his parents, but since they had died and he was left to fend for himself on the streets, he hadn't even spoken to God. Right now, though, he felt so alone, yet at the same time, so haunted, as if something was stalking him. He bit his lip, then went over to the wooden dresser, looking at the soft white candle, the only thing there. It had been an engagement present; a tangible promise of what was to come.

_"I light a candle, watch it burn. I feel the angels come and fill this room. Oh, when you're gone I miss you so much, I do the only thing I can do. I pray for you. I pray for you."_

He struck a match, then lighted the candle, watching the soft glow of the flame cast shadows over the room. He watched it through his glasses, not exactly sure what he was doing. Slowly, he took off his barrier, closing his eyes, and just reveling in the shades of light and dark behind his eyelids. He tilted his head up, an unspoken plea to the God he had not talked to in so many years. He didn't even know what religion he was, since he had lost it at an early age, but he prayed anyway. He felt a chill run up his spine, and he swore the shadows through his eyelids looked like figures. Little floating silhouettes with wings. It was probably his imagination, but it looked so real through his closed eyes.

He felt a numb clenching in his heart, as if someone was not letting his heart beat, and if it did, it ached. His whole chest physically hurt from her being gone. His strong Cyclops' mind had retreated, leaving Scott's hurt and confused part to temporarily take control. His weak solution to the pain was the only way out to his mind. To just reach out, grab his shaver he hadn't used since THE day Jean had sacrificed herself, and slit whatever body part of his got in the way. A bit of pain to remember he was alive, then to end it just as suddenly. A slice of his neck or wrists, to welcome the darkness, and the Jean that awaited him. He ran a finger over his stubble of a growing beard, his eyes clenched closed. Then, Cyclops had enough of the self pity of Scott, and pushed him back into his own mind, and took over.

Cyclops reminded himself, or the Scott part of his own brain, that his 'easy way out' would traumatize the children he taught, and who he tried to keep away from being hurt. Just a quick excuse to dull the option. Good thing the Professor didn't poke into people's minds. Just as the thought Cyclops couldn't repress down anymore started to take over, and make Cyclops join Scott's plea for sweet release, he felt a presence envelop him, almost like whispering in his ear that everything would be okay. The shadows that looked like angels danced around outside of his tortured shell, calming him in a way. He thought that maybe there was something more to them then tricks of light and mind from the candle.

_"Every minute of the day, I can clearly see your face. And every minute we're apart, oh, you know it just breaks my heart. I'm so lonely, but I'm okay, 'cause I know we'll be together again."_

With his eyes closed, he could still see her beautiful face looming just beyond his reach. And he knew if he opened his eyes, through the red haze of pain as a burst of energy flew from his eyes, he knew he would still see her in the tornado of light and energy. He felt his heart slowly start to slow down, eventually it was just going to stop. A strangled chuckle escaped his lips at the thought of him keeling over in the middle of battle, then his mind turned to leaving the kids without direction, leadership, role model, scared and confused after he died, leaving them to fight the enemy by themselves. The half smile faded from his chapped lips as self depression sunk into his very bones.

He felt so alone, so very lonely, aching for the touch of someone who cared, someone who loved him, someone who understood. Someone to talk to. Heck, even Logan at the moment. Then, the thought that he wasn't alone filtered through his brain. He had everyone at the school for help. The professor had always been there for him, since he had been struggling on the streets blind, for fear of opening his eyes and blasting an innocent person. Storm, who had always been a willing shoulder to lean on, and an ear who would listen. The kids looked up to him. Then, his self loathing hit him hard in the stomach. The kids thought he was too stuck up and strict, probably didn't like him at all.

The thought that kept him going to drag in his next breath was that he would be reunited with his one and only true love when it was his natural turn to get into heaven, and escape this life. That made him smile a little bit, showing off little ripples of dimples.

_"I light a candle, watch it burn. I feel the angels come and fill this room. Oh, when you're gone I miss you so much, I do the only thing I can do. I pray for you. I pray for you."_

He felt the heat from the candle as the wax burned, and could feel that it was dripping down into a pile of goo, as the candle dwindled, but none of this registered.

_"Please hold her and protect her, 'til she's back here in my arms again. Oh and tell her how I love her, and I'll be waitin' right here forever, AMEN."_

The prayer just formed itself from the bottom of his heart, as he whispered it to the angels surrounding and protecting him. He felt the words drift around, as his burning hot cheeks felt a sudden cool steam of cool. It took him a moment to notice that it was his tears.

_"I feel the angels come and fill this room. Oh, when you're gone I miss you so much. I do the only thing I can do. I pray for you. I pray for you."_

After the prayer, he felt a great weight lift off of his shoulders, as if the carrying of the world was passed to another. He felt light, not exactly carefree and innocent, but as if a few years of stress and pain were gone. He had the feeling that everything would be alright. For the first time in a long time, he felt at peace.

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Well, I hope you liked this, too! After all of the positive reviews over this little-ol' fic that just popped out, I had to write more. I was actually quite sad when I wrote this, and it made me a bit teary eyed. Sorry if any of the information is wrong, like Scott's past. I couldn't remember Jean's eye color, so I didn't put anything in, though I did want to. If someone can tell me, I have a paragraph idea to add to this.

Okay, bye! waves Please review!

keeps waving and smiling

Okay, are all of the people who don't want spoilers for the 3rd movie gone? Well, if you're still there, you might want to go!

S  
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R... Okay, I can not believe they did that in the movie! You've seen it, right? Yes, of course, that's why you're still reading! How can they kill Scott off? I cried in the movie theater; that's right...cried. My friends were a bit skittish around me afterwards, but I was so sad! And if you didn't want a spoiler and you kept reading; Hey, you're fault! I did warn you!


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